The End of The Darkness

I’ve found this girl. Once, she was a sweetheart. Pretty and brilliant, she’s the candy of the eyes for everyone around her. Nothing can goes wrong with her life. A happy family and with so many great friends. Done high school excellently, with a scholarship to the university. Though it was pretty hard for her to achieved that, but she made it. Not to forget, her faith to God was the best in her family. She knows God loves her. For sometimes, her life’s was perfect!

Sunshine did not last forever. Darkness coming through the night. And it was a very long, cold and fearful night. She can’t find her way through the darkness. Her life’s in mess! Turned upside down, she tried reversing her life, and she knew it was impossible! Gone! Everything’s gone. With nothing to hold, she found herself alone, helplessly and hopeless! With so many people around the darkness, she does not know to whom shall she ask for help. FAMILY and FRIENDS, no one can understand her inner complex. LOVE. Once, she really loves him. Waiting for him with hope that one day he can see her the way she saw him. And when she tried to cling on him, for protection or at least to grab some support, he went away. She cries a lot. And sometimes she cried with no tears. She’s hurt and with too much things to handle she found herself ‘CRAZY’. She did have the thought of SUICIDE as dead is not the worst thing that can happen to her. She’s not pretty and brilliant as before. UGLY and STUPID, that’s what her thought of herself. And God does not love her any more. With lack of motivation, she fell and fell more deep than before.

Still in the darkness, she tried to find her way out. She missed the warmness of daylight. She’s tired and want to have some good rest. But, things getting worst and once again she realised, everything that she do will only makes her life doomed. Giving up is not her forte anyway. So she tried again and again. Along her journey to the end of the darkness, she found someone. Her soul-mate if she can say that! He’s not the cool guy that she ever want, far from richness and he’s not good enough in studying. Watching him swimming and diving inside the water, makes her smile. Her adrenalin rushed each time he smiled. And thus she knew, she fell for him. Love bloomed but with so much differences, can they survived this harsh world?

Giving up? No! She might be in her worst time of her life, she might be hurt, she might be not the pretty girl any more because now, she’s a woman. She fall from grace and this is the time for her to stand again. Resurrect and revive herself. She might have done so many sins, but God always open His door. She have another one semester to finish up her degree and she have the plan to continue with the second degree. She have that in her mind. She have a family that need to be save with God help, she need that so much. She still have her good friends that she need to appreciate, they might not understand her much, but they have gone through so many things together. And she have him. With no uncertainty of their fates, she put her faith again to God. Only Him can decide what will happen to her life. She want to see the sunshine again, and realised that only God can help her. So, she find her way back to God, as that is the only way for her to breath again and coming out from the darkness.

Today, that pretty and brilliant girl has turned into a woman. With so much difficulties in her life, she survived and still alive. She will fall again. No doubt! But her spirits shall help her to rise again. She will never stop crying but someone will help her to dry the tears. She will make it! She will! And one day, when she look back, she’ll find herself smiling brightly for she have passed the darkness and she will fear nothing! And to the pretty and brilliant girl, she’ll gave her biggest thank!

And today, I’m glad that I’m alive and I know that I’m heading toward the end of the darkness!


And How Yuna RESCUE Me!

I’m officially one of Yuna’s fans! I couldn’t stop from listening her songs after I heard her new single, RESCUE! I’ve heard lots of her songs before such as ‘Lelaki’, ‘Gadis Semasa’, and ‘Dan Sebenarnya’. Also some of her English songs (I can’t really remember the title). But I never felt the attachment to her music. I knew she’s a very good singer and songwriter yet I never put any  interest on listening to all of her song and I was questioning why did all of her fans are so crazy about her! And when she won some of the awards over my favourite singer, I felt so angry with her (haha! how’s that supposed to be?).

And miracle happened! Three days ago, I heard her single played by one of the local music station. And I was just like “AWESOME!!!”. This song is so cool! I fell in love with the song but not with Yuna! I don’t know what happened to me but that song kept playing in my mind. Kept hunting me. Everywhere I go, I can hear the music intro or at least the word “RESCUE”. Then, today I decided that I shall You Tube her video. I listened to her song and watched her video again and again! I was amazed with the video. So stunning and beautiful! If you don’t believe me then you can watch it.

The best thing about this song is I feel secure listening to the lyrics. It makes me feel that I’m good! With lots of problems and not-so-good things that happened lately, she gave me courages to get through all of the things. Yeah! She’s not an angel but her lyrics nailed me. Motivated and feel free! It was  like I was resurrected from death. This song told me that even things are bad around me yet there’s still hopes. I can stand up again and make things right. What I need now was just some space and make up with myself. I don’t have to be afraid but just face it bravely. The most important thing is to be happy and embrace life!

I did not own the picture! Credit to hype MALAYSIA

Yuna, you might be just a singer and a songwriter, but your song somehow “RESCUE” me from the darkness. I must say my deepest thanks to you and I just wan’a say that I love you Yuna!

Angels of the Street

I was so sleepy in this very afternoon and I’m cursing myself for not doing something beneficial to make myself useful! Thus, I decided to do something rather than sleeping. Yeah! I’ve sleeping for almost two days at home. Escaping work and doing nothing like what Bruno Mars used to sing “Today I swear I’m not doing anything…”. After two days I found out that being lazy does not work for me. I am lazy but being lazy was something! Being lazy is boring!

So, I opened my computer and screening any materials that I can use to “expelled” my “boringness”. Am I using the correct words? Doesn’t matter anyway. My brain doesn’t work rightly I guessed! Doing my leisure screening I came across some of pictures and photographs that I took long long long time ago. It’s been ages since I took my last picture (not picture of mine definitely!). Few pictures make me stop from ‘screening’. These few pictures reminds me of my old self. Reminding me of what is the thing that I really wanted to do.


This is 10 years old Harizal. He’s a boy I found at a KFC restaurant near Segama, Kota Kinabalu. He’s a local street kid and having some physical difficulties. My uncle bought him some food from the franchise restaurant and feed him. The moment I finished up my supper, I went out and talked with him. I asked him what he’s doing wandering around the city at 11 pm. Night was so cold and dark. If I were at his age, I would have cry for fearing whatever will happen to me. He told me the whole story of his life up to the moment I met him. Harizal lived with his parent before they died in a car crash. He survived but with impaired leg. Then, he moved in with his sister and grandmother. Sadly, his brother in-law doesn’t really like him staying with them. Without no consideration, his brother in-law told him to move out from the house and warned him, he will call the police if he refused. Outcast, he wandered around the city for about three months.

STREET KIDS. Street kids is one of my biggest concern in life. I felt the sympathy for them to live such a pitiful life. People around doest not really care or take into account about this matter. But my mind could not stop thinking about them each time I saw them or stumble upon them. Street kids is one of the major problem in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. I’m not going to talk about statistics or official reports. I just want to share what I have seen


These three Filipino kids, I met them at Tanjung Lipat beaches. We’re having family days occasion and these kids wandering around searching for foods and drinks. They lived below the bridge with unhealthy environment for kids to grow up. The little brother and sister can’t talk normally. They can utter words but you wouldn’t understand them. Being so dirty and smelly, nobody will look at them, I meant no one would like to approach them. They are also having some sickness due to their environment.



The boy and the girl above working at Pasar Besar Kota Kinabalu. When I was still a little kid, I saw many of street kids doing this kind of job. Selling plastic bags and earned MYR 0.20 for each that has been sold. Some of them offered carrying bag service. I thought the situation has changes after 15 years but I think that was too much for me to ask.


These two little sweet angel was sitting in front of the Pasar Besar Kota Kinabalu. I was just passing by and by chances snapping their picture. They might be just another street kids, but I loved their smile. Despite everything they have gone through, their spirit makes me feel alive!

Street kids might be not important for us, the government or anyone. But I like to remind myself that they are just kids. Whether they are illegal immigrants, local, born out of wedlock or coming from bad attitudes parents, they are still kids. Kids that need our protection and love. They have the right to go to school like others. They ought to live in a healthy and comfortable environment.

Though living in a hard condition, they still can survived, they still can offer us a very bright smile, they still can lived up our spirit. They are the street kids, or I might say as Angels of The Street .


How is it a true believers of Allah as the only god, The Only God can tolerate a worshipper of Jesus, The Son of God? How is it a girl who read, recite, understand and believe the content of Al-Quran can be with a man who read Holy Bible since the ages of 10? How can a Muslim girl be with a Protestan man who have the ambition of being a pastor? She who pray 5 times a day, and he who never missed the Sunday church session. She who believed that Muhammad S.A.W is the last prophet and he who did not want to believe the existences.

These two world collide! It was like a light, sun light. Coming from the same source, separated by two holes before hitting the floor. Two separated way from one starting point. She likes to be with him. So do him. They fall in love with each other. Only love and nothing else. At the beginning of their relationship they never have the thought of the differences that they have between them. Everything seems to be fine and good. But, time to time, they realised they can’t run away from the fact that they walking by using two different path. They can see each other, talk to each other but they can’t never walk by using the same path. Their end point is totally different.

Along their relationship they found out that they are compatible to each other. Complete each other. She makes him perfect and he covered her weaknesses. Despite their differences, they want to build a ‘family’ together. He saw his children face through her eyes. She saw her future with him. And each day, their love grew stronger than ever. Crazy! They cried together when they realised that they can never be together.Trying to search for a solution and they found it!

Between their love, there is GOD. How can human love can be compared with love to God? But who’s going to give in? Converting. Who’s going to do that?  Who will sacrifice the love to God for human love? Who wil take the risk? The Muslim girl or the Protestan man? No one will. They have the love to each other and to God. Forcing either one of them to convert is unfair and a selfish act. Thus, nothing much can be done. Still, they are together and hopping for a chance to fulfilling their dream.

“If we’re not meant to be together then why God lead us to meet and loved each other?”
“Because Allah want us to love Him more.”

“I love you but my love to God and Christian is bigger!”

“Then nothing can take my love to Allah and Islam!”

Two people from different background.Loving and trust each other. Laugh and cry whenever they feel like they want to. What is it with faith? And what is it with religion? If two people wanted to be with each other then why can’t they be? What is it with all of these complexity? And why didn’t they just give up?

Only God have the answers to all of those questions. Only He knew the reasons. Only He have the power to change their fate. Only He can understand their complexity. Only God and nothing else! And only Allah knew what I felt right now. This is my story. A love story that happened in two months of my life lately. A love that god forbid.

A Love That God Forbid

Thank You

I’m not saying that this year was the greatest birthday celebration in my whole life but enough to say that this is the best birthday of mine since five years ago! Yearp! I’m 22 years eleven days ago and I think I really need to start or at least learn to act matured parallel to my ages. I got a lot of presents this year and the most important thing was I am celebrating it with all my beloved person. My mum, grandma, brother and my deary dearest darling friends!

To tell the truth I’ve never expected the surprise they gave me. That very day I learnt one important thing: Friendship was not a bond that any man can pretend to actually have it or faking the relationship, it’s a gift from God! Vick, Hen, Rafiq, Ema, Kevin, Raven, Daya and Flo used to be a bunch of person that I never ever know before I come to UMS. But that day they are sitting with me and they sang a very melodious birthday song to me. Nothing much I can say here but I felt so thankful to God and all my friends for what have they done. That very delicious Secret Recipe cake and all the presents!

All are very precious to me. I want to cry that day but I’m good on pretending and faking emotion. I felt the warmness of the loves from them. Kevin and Raven once again show me that I was wrong about them. About how they hate me or how they isolating me. I took an oath to stop thinking negatives about them. I’ll try to be good and start from zero again. I’ll prove that I deserved to get their loves and kindness.

My Birthday Presents

My Birthday Presents

I want to say thank you from the deepest of my heart and I believe that I can’t repay them because the value are priceless. Thanks. Thank you very much and I love all of you guys!

No More Trust

Today is the day when I start no to put my trust on other people. As today, the person that I believed and put my trust the most has betrayed me by the meanest way.  And my dearest best friend left me alone because he forgot to bring his phone. It’s my own fault for not telling the very truth to anyone. Every inches and every detail so that people can understand my complexion and what has happened. Each time I try to believe a person and I’m ready to tell everything, it will only lead for my frustration. I do have some very good friends. They will listen to me. But I’m not ready yet to reveal myself. What have I’ve been through was very traumtic as a little girl. And yet I can’t talk about that. And what happened to me these two semesters, I also can’t tell it to anyone accurately and precisely. Alone I swallowed my pain. I’m not gon’a cry in front of everyone though I’ve been humiliated so harshed. That’s a thing that I’m good at. I’m angry but I can’t show it. I was trained like that. No doubt what have I become today. My heart was so fragile and will become pieces in any second. Dr A. has proved to me that what important to him was grade and reputation. Nothings more than that. No even other person feeling. So that’s the lesson I’ve learnt today. And when I look around me I realised that I was alone in this very big place. A place that maybe will be my favourite place after waterfront. No wonder people called me the queen of over-emotion and melancholic!

Thank you

“Look ahead girl! They sometimes mumbling and murmured about you being too emotional.” A friends had once told me that and I realised I’m agreeing what he said to me. For about 8 months in my life, I’ve became the queen of over-emotional! And for sometimes I’m pitying my-poor-self with the thought of “Hey! My mind has been violated and I am the most victimise person in these situations!”
Over these past two semester I’ve been through the craziest and hurtfull moment in my life. And for the earlier semester I felt lucky to have some friends who’ll always be with me. But, It’s just unlucky me I guessed! Last semester I’ve some situation and issues with some of my friends.
I once told my mum “Friendship is like having the chilli pepper in your mouth. It’s hot and sometimes will burned your tongue but you do like the sensation it brought. And eventually you realised that the sensation make you craving for more.” She undoubtly agreed with that by just smilling at me. But I forgot that sometimes when the sensation was too hot it will likely cause many problems in your whole body system. And I believe right now, i’ve been effected by the chillies!
Friendship, unlike other relationship, doesn’t need a vow, no classified and confidential comitment. But like others it was mend and built based on trust and love. As there were saying, ‘Rome was not built in a day!’ and so do friendship. It’s a long term relationship without any rules and regulations or terms and conditions. It’s also as fragile as a glass. It can break anytime and might hurt people around it. And sometimes the wound and the pain are too deep to heal.
I’ve broke the glass into pieces while trying to wiped it and make it clean and shining. My determination now became a poison that kills me inside slowly. I would say “Yes! I’ve made a mistake. Without I realised or not, I’ve done something wrong. And I’ve messed up with very wrong person.” I’m not trying to defend myself but what I’ve been through was too much for me. At least for me!
The attitudes was sometimes making me angry. Once I knew I’ve made him mad and hated me despite how good we have became before, I became insane. I felt sad and stupid! I blamed myself day and night. I try to find ways to reach him and to win his trust back. But I failed. And if he only knew what I’ve lost to get him back. To make him understand the reasons of my acts. If he ever knew that, those two semester I was strugling with myself to make sure that I’ll be free from school as I was scheduled to. Will he understand that I’m trying to regain my consiousness back after everything happened that no one ever knew. I’ve been telling everyone that I have so much problem. Everyone get a different pieces of my stories but no one knew the whole stories. Including Dr A who wants to know everything, the reasons of my fall and he almost get the whole. But still there’s one tiny hole that I left and it’s not complete.  And if he only knew that he’s one of my best friend that I ever have. That understand my tought very well. And a small mistake I’ve made has drifted him away from me.
Some part of me blamed him for what have happened during my strived to talk with him like usual. Because of him my one semester effort which I’ve gave my best are nothing more than the dust two weeks before the final exam. He’s one part of my problem and I kept running away. I ran away from all my problem and sorrow. I walked alone to nowhere and I can’t tell anyone. Not even one person as I’m afraid it will hurt me more when they don’t really understand what I’ve felt. I’ve became very closed person. I kept running until my feet can’t hold it anymore. They said I’ve became over emotional and I knew that! So the result of all these stupid stuf, I’ve failed a subject which I must passed to graduate. The reason was clearly because I didn’t attended the midterm which falls on the same days of my final year project sampling with him! When I confidently told Dr A that I might failed a subject and have to extend my studies he was shock. And when I return to his office month later, I was smiling because my prediction have come true. I think I was overwhelmed to see him that I forgot to cry. He said that was my choice and I shall look up to make it better. Little does he know that I’ve been trying since the very begining. And why did he care was just because of his reputation as the program coordinator. But what he said has lift up my motivation back. He told me to do what is right. Tell my mum about this extend thingy! And I’m very afraid.
I’ve ask apologised from him but literally he didn’t forgive me. And hell! I’m working him and another friends for my final year project. The only think that I can look up to save my pride and my reputation. I try to be patient with them. Their attitudes. I’ve stop being emotional because I know it will make thing worsen. But how long can I bear all of these? It’s hurt me. And I sometimes hated them because of this. Call me selfish! I have limit too. Each time he make that face, I was asking myself “What have I done wrong this time?” Always I’ve been left to walked alone during the sampling. Seems like I’m not exist there. And much of his words hurts me too. I know they don’t want me to be with them. Me neither. But this is the sacrifice that both of us need to make. And here I am crying silently inside my hotel room alone in isolation. And if you ever read this my dear friend Vick, just pretend you’ve never. I’m just sick and I’ll find my medicine.
And now I need some good sleep before start working again with them. Thank you.


End of the drama. Happy ending. Everyone was happy but little did they know that they have been cheated from the very beginning. Another drama awaits!