I’m not saying that this year was the greatest birthday celebration in my whole life but enough to say that this is the best birthday of mine since five years ago! Yearp! I’m 22 years eleven days ago and I think I really need to start or at least learn to act matured parallel to my ages. I got a lot of presents this year and the most important thing was I am celebrating it with all my beloved person. My mum, grandma, brother and my deary dearest darling friends!
To tell the truth I’ve never expected the surprise they gave me. That very day I learnt one important thing: Friendship was not a bond that any man can pretend to actually have it or faking the relationship, it’s a gift from God! Vick, Hen, Rafiq, Ema, Kevin, Raven, Daya and Flo used to be a bunch of person that I never ever know before I come to UMS. But that day they are sitting with me and they sang a very melodious birthday song to me. Nothing much I can say here but I felt so thankful to God and all my friends for what have they done. That very delicious Secret Recipe cake and all the presents!
All are very precious to me. I want to cry that day but I’m good on pretending and faking emotion. I felt the warmness of the loves from them. Kevin and Raven once again show me that I was wrong about them. About how they hate me or how they isolating me. I took an oath to stop thinking negatives about them. I’ll try to be good and start from zero again. I’ll prove that I deserved to get their loves and kindness.
My Birthday Presents
I want to say thank you from the deepest of my heart and I believe that I can’t repay them because the value are priceless. Thanks. Thank you very much and I love all of you guys!
Today is the day when I start no to put my trust on other people. As today, the person that I believed and put my trust the most has betrayed me by the meanest way. And my dearest best friend left me alone because he forgot to bring his phone. It’s my own fault for not telling the very truth to anyone. Every inches and every detail so that people can understand my complexion and what has happened. Each time I try to believe a person and I’m ready to tell everything, it will only lead for my frustration. I do have some very good friends. They will listen to me. But I’m not ready yet to reveal myself. What have I’ve been through was very traumtic as a little girl. And yet I can’t talk about that. And what happened to me these two semesters, I also can’t tell it to anyone accurately and precisely. Alone I swallowed my pain. I’m not gon’a cry in front of everyone though I’ve been humiliated so harshed. That’s a thing that I’m good at. I’m angry but I can’t show it. I was trained like that. No doubt what have I become today. My heart was so fragile and will become pieces in any second. Dr A. has proved to me that what important to him was grade and reputation. Nothings more than that. No even other person feeling. So that’s the lesson I’ve learnt today. And when I look around me I realised that I was alone in this very big place. A place that maybe will be my favourite place after waterfront. No wonder people called me the queen of over-emotion and melancholic!
“Look ahead girl! They sometimes mumbling and murmured about you being too emotional.” A friends had once told me that and I realised I’m agreeing what he said to me. For about 8 months in my life, I’ve became the queen of over-emotional! And for sometimes I’m pitying my-poor-self with the thought of “Hey! My mind has been violated and I am the most victimise person in these situations!”
Over these past two semester I’ve been through the craziest and hurtfull moment in my life. And for the earlier semester I felt lucky to have some friends who’ll always be with me. But, It’s just unlucky me I guessed! Last semester I’ve some situation and issues with some of my friends.
I once told my mum “Friendship is like having the chilli pepper in your mouth. It’s hot and sometimes will burned your tongue but you do like the sensation it brought. And eventually you realised that the sensation make you craving for more.” She undoubtly agreed with that by just smilling at me. But I forgot that sometimes when the sensation was too hot it will likely cause many problems in your whole body system. And I believe right now, i’ve been effected by the chillies!
Friendship, unlike other relationship, doesn’t need a vow, no classified and confidential comitment. But like others it was mend and built based on trust and love. As there were saying, ‘Rome was not built in a day!’ and so do friendship. It’s a long term relationship without any rules and regulations or terms and conditions. It’s also as fragile as a glass. It can break anytime and might hurt people around it. And sometimes the wound and the pain are too deep to heal.
I’ve broke the glass into pieces while trying to wiped it and make it clean and shining. My determination now became a poison that kills me inside slowly. I would say “Yes! I’ve made a mistake. Without I realised or not, I’ve done something wrong. And I’ve messed up with very wrong person.” I’m not trying to defend myself but what I’ve been through was too much for me. At least for me!
The attitudes was sometimes making me angry. Once I knew I’ve made him mad and hated me despite how good we have became before, I became insane. I felt sad and stupid! I blamed myself day and night. I try to find ways to reach him and to win his trust back. But I failed. And if he only knew what I’ve lost to get him back. To make him understand the reasons of my acts. If he ever knew that, those two semester I was strugling with myself to make sure that I’ll be free from school as I was scheduled to. Will he understand that I’m trying to regain my consiousness back after everything happened that no one ever knew. I’ve been telling everyone that I have so much problem. Everyone get a different pieces of my stories but no one knew the whole stories. Including Dr A who wants to know everything, the reasons of my fall and he almost get the whole. But still there’s one tiny hole that I left and it’s not complete. And if he only knew that he’s one of my best friend that I ever have. That understand my tought very well. And a small mistake I’ve made has drifted him away from me.
Some part of me blamed him for what have happened during my strived to talk with him like usual. Because of him my one semester effort which I’ve gave my best are nothing more than the dust two weeks before the final exam. He’s one part of my problem and I kept running away. I ran away from all my problem and sorrow. I walked alone to nowhere and I can’t tell anyone. Not even one person as I’m afraid it will hurt me more when they don’t really understand what I’ve felt. I’ve became very closed person. I kept running until my feet can’t hold it anymore. They said I’ve became over emotional and I knew that! So the result of all these stupid stuf, I’ve failed a subject which I must passed to graduate. The reason was clearly because I didn’t attended the midterm which falls on the same days of my final year project sampling with him! When I confidently told Dr A that I might failed a subject and have to extend my studies he was shock. And when I return to his office month later, I was smiling because my prediction have come true. I think I was overwhelmed to see him that I forgot to cry. He said that was my choice and I shall look up to make it better. Little does he know that I’ve been trying since the very begining. And why did he care was just because of his reputation as the program coordinator. But what he said has lift up my motivation back. He told me to do what is right. Tell my mum about this extend thingy! And I’m very afraid.
I’ve ask apologised from him but literally he didn’t forgive me. And hell! I’m working him and another friends for my final year project. The only think that I can look up to save my pride and my reputation. I try to be patient with them. Their attitudes. I’ve stop being emotional because I know it will make thing worsen. But how long can I bear all of these? It’s hurt me. And I sometimes hated them because of this. Call me selfish! I have limit too. Each time he make that face, I was asking myself “What have I done wrong this time?” Always I’ve been left to walked alone during the sampling. Seems like I’m not exist there. And much of his words hurts me too. I know they don’t want me to be with them. Me neither. But this is the sacrifice that both of us need to make. And here I am crying silently inside my hotel room alone in isolation. And if you ever read this my dear friend Vick, just pretend you’ve never. I’m just sick and I’ll find my medicine.
And now I need some good sleep before start working again with them. Thank you.
where are you guys when I really need all of you
End of the drama. Happy ending. Everyone was happy but little did they know that they have been cheated from the very beginning. Another drama awaits!
I’m so stress! When will all of this chaosity and havoc end! Give me back my old life.
And thus the bond break apart. I always tought that this day will never came. This day will never come knocking on my door and then left me alone with the tears flowing down my cheek. I was wrong! Today I’ve lost a friend. A friend that once laugh with me. Shared thought with me. Lunch and dinner. We even paid each other expenses when we go outing. Lots of movies we’ve watched. Games? You named . A friend that used to skip the class with me, climb the hill with me and even gave me so many advised whenever I have a problem. Now I’ve lost him! And it even hurts me to see him laughed with others but never utter a word to speak with me. He smiled but not for me. Even worst we’re still doing the same final year project. If I have a chances to fix things right I’ll grab it. But I knew things will never be the same as before. Things are different and I need to swallow up everything. There’s just one thing I wan’a say to him; Kevin George Monuil from my deepest heart and lowered my head in front of you, I want to say that I am sorry for everthings that I’ve said and done that have hurt , offence, or make you angry as sometimes I’ve forgot that you’re actually my friend and I always thought you’re part of me. Thanks for those beautiful moments and glorious day we had together with Vick and Henry. And I am sorry for making things like this. I know apologised wouldn’t change or make things better but this is the least I can do.